"It's Raining on Celia again."

"Then move Celia again!"

"There's no more dry places to move her."

~The Apple Dumpling Gang~

Oh, dear.  I'm awfully sorry to do this to all you dear people so soon after my last rainy day post, but I did promise to let you know if ever I needed to indulge in another one of these tear-filled rants, so here I am...true to my word.  

It's been raining an awful lot around here this past week.  And to be honest, my mood has matched the weather pretty much drop for drop.  You might say I've been having a bit of a personal downpour. 

Strike that.  I haven't actually been down-pouring.  In fact, I've been fairly calm without--the storm has just been brewing on the inside far more than is entirely comfortable.  You know how you can feel the rain in the air before it begins to pelt the ground?  Well, that's what it's like.  I'm an emotional rain cloud just waiting to burst. 

And yeah...there's precious few dry places to move to. 

I don't know how much to say for fear of saying too much, but if any of you out there have ever experienced adoption first hand, I think you'll understand.  I have four siblings who became a part of our family just over a year ago.  I'm not going to say that I regret adopting--because I don't (momentarily, maybe, but overall, no)--and I'm not going to say that I don't love my new siblings--because I do (even though I don't always feel it).  But there's no getting around it, life has been radically changed, and no matter how many times I tell myself that what we're doing is a good thing--that our situation could be a whole lot worse--and that we actually have been extremely blessed in the small of amount of issues we've had to deal with...still.  There are some days that are just downright hard, aggravating, and unpleasant.

It's hard melding two families into one.  It's HARD.  You don't have the same kind of relationship with your adopted siblings as you have with your biological siblings, and while you want to treat everyone the same and love your new siblings as much as your old siblings, somehow you just can't.  And I feel bad about that sometimes because I want to love them.  I want to feel as if they're truly a part of our family.  I want to enjoy being around them. 

But honestly, there are days when I don't feel any of that. 

I know a lot of it depends on me and my attitude.  My new siblings annoy me a lot, but I know that most times it's not really their fault.  It's mine.   Sure, they're not very tactful, nor very sensitive, nor overly observant of other people's needs.  But what can you expect?  They didn't have a good upbringing.  They didn't have parents who taught them to know the difference between right and wrong, from the time they were too little to talk.  They lived in a place where the strongest one wins, the weakest one loses, and it's every man for himself.  Really, what can you expect? 

And so, as I was struggling with feelings of frustration today, the thought occurred to me.  My new siblings don't know God like I do.  I've been a Christian since I was seven, and I've known God all my life.  They haven't.  With the huge head start I have on them, I really shouldn't be expecting them to meet me half way.  I have Jesus.  I need to be going more than half way.  Just like He did for me.

There.  I've just given myself some good advice.  (I feel like Alice in Wonderland...she's always giving herself advice, isn't she?)  Thanks everyone for letting me spout off.  (Not that you really let me, since I never asked for your permission, but...ahem.  Anyway.)

Note: The funny thing about blog posts is that they take me so long to write that by the time I get to the end of them I'm not feeling any of the emotions I was feeling when I started.  Actually, this post took me two days to write (or rather, edit) and here I am on the second day feeling quite happy and peaceful.  Adoption?  Ha!  It's a piece of cake!  ("You mean it ain't gold?"  ~Apple Dumpling Gang, again.  Sorry I must have that on the brain.)  No, of course I don't really mean that.  Adoption IS hard and I'll be feeling it in another hour no doubt, but for right now everything's really okay.  So, yeah, I probably don't even need to publish this post, but I think I will just because it took me so long to write.  It would be a shame to let all that time go to waste. 

"You can only come to the morning through the shadows."

~J.R.R. Tolkien

"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  Romans 5:3-5