Is it really almost five years since I last posted on this poor neglected little blog? Where oh where does the time go? I wish I could have a dollar for every time I've said to myself "one of these days I'm going to get back into blogging," because, dear me, I'd be enormously rich by now!
Still, I suppose it isn't that much of a wonder that I've not written considering the fact that I am no longer the young, twenty-something-year-old with nothing to do, that I used to be, but rather an '"old" thirty-something-year-old, married, and with children; and as Lydia Bennet would say, "We married women haven't much time for writing."
Which of course isn't really true. We could find time for writing if we truly wanted to. There in lies the problem? Do we want to? Do I want to?
The truth of the matter is, when I find myself with some free time that could be put toward blogging - or any other creative project for that matter - I almost inevitably end up filling that time with nothing more than watching videos on youtube or pointlessly scrolling on the internet. It's very frustrating. I am constantly telling myself, "I need to stop doing this. Why am I spending hours watching edited snippets of other peoples lives, rather than living my own life? And all this scrolling...what is the point of it? What am I even looking for? I need to put away the computer and live in the real world!"
And I mean it! I do! I want desperately to get away from screens and actually live life.
But somehow, even after a particularly convicting moment of how much time I waste, the very next day I'm back at it again. It's as though I'm stuck in an endless "entertain me" mindset, and I don't know how to begin thinking and doing things for myself. I'm lazy really. I get an hour to myself and instead of reading a book, working on a project, or just sitting still and being quiet, I have to fill that time with mindless entertainment. Why is that? What is so daunting about reading a book? What is so difficult about working on a project? And being quiet! Goodness, me! Is that even a thing?! How does does one do that? To be honest, I don't think I truly know how to sit still and be quiet. My mind goes a little crazy when I'm doing nothing, and I get all antsy and fidgety, and must grab for my phone to while away the time. And yet I know it would be good for me - just to sit still, look out the window, notice the sky and the clouds and the trees. When do I ever actually look at those things? When do I ever take time to truly reflect on the beauty all around me, and to be in awe of the one who created it?
I really do long to engage more fully in real life activities, but sadly, I feel like I totally need to retrain my brain somehow. My mind has become addicted to nothingness, and I don't think I truly know how to think anymore (funny that I'm thinking about that! *chuckles*). In other words, my brain is lazy. I'd rather look up fun ideas of things to buy for my kids, then sit down at the table and make a craft with them. I'd rather watch random videos on youtube than read a good book. I'd rather look up endless recipes online than buckle down, pick a recipe, and actually make it!
I'm constantly planning to be productive and diligent, but the weeks keep flying by and if the first half of the week is unproductive, then I have a tendency to let the whole thing go and simply say, "I'll start fresh next week." But what a vicious cycle that becomes. No week goes perfectly to plan. I keep thinking I need to have all my ducks in a row - that I need to plan my days and weeks out to a "t" - and then I'll be able to implement the change that I want to see in my life, and finally become an organized and productive person. But such an idea is ludicrous. You're never going to have all your ducks in a row. You're never going to be able to plan your week out to perfection because there's always something that comes along to mess up even the most well-laid plans. In other words, you're not in control of what happens even in the next five minutes, let alone the next five days.
And so it's the little changes - one at a time - that's really going to make the difference. Little changes, acted upon consistently, building up a new habit. And then another one added, and another, and another. Choosing in this moment to work instead of scroll, to play with my kids instead of sit in front of the computer, to think creatively rather than avoid thinking. To do rather than to be idle.
I get all fired up on this subject, and love to talk on and on about it, but when it gets down to the actual nitty-gritty of implementing change, I find all to often that I'm more interested in thinking and discussing change than actually implementing it. Discipline. Oh how I lack discipline. I'm like Emma Woodhouse with her plans for reading, "She makes a good list", but that's about where it ends.
Even with the good advice of focusing on one small change at a time, and working at it whole-heartedly, how do I actually manage to follow through and see that change become a habit and a way of life? I am such an inconsistent creature sometimes, and when push comes to shove and things get difficult, I throw up my hands and claim the work to be impossible. Or when I'm honestly trying, very hard, but still keep failing, I grow discouraged, fearing that I will never be better; never be the person I really want to be.
Praise God for his marvelous grace and patience! It is a measure of hope to realize that no real change will ever happen in my life solely by my own will and effort - if that's all I had to depend on I would be lost indeed! - but by the grace of the Lord Jesus working even in the midst of my failures, I can be confident to know that he will accomplish his will in my life, despite my failures.
And so I must place my trust in God to help me.
Working with all my might so far as it depends on me, and yet resting fully in his strength and not my own.
Looking to the Holy Spirit to draw me away from the things that do not matter, and point me toward the things that do.
And in the end, the goal is not simply to become a more organized and productive person, who lives life to the fullest and focuses on the meaningful things in life - no, but the true goal is to live in a way that is glorifying to God - in all that I do, through every moment of every day.
Through trials and difficulties, normal every day frustrations, normal every day tendencies toward believing that I am somehow self-sufficient - I need to lay myself down and all my paltry efforts, and trust in Jesus for true change. Seizing every moment of every day to live in accordance with his good plan. To choose his way above my own. To seek his honor and glory above my own success or accomplishments.
To wrap it up, I want to do better about engaging my mind and participating in real life rather than wasting time in front of a screen - and this is I think a worthy goal to pursue - yet even beyond that I realize I must learn not to place my confidence in my ability to carry out this goal. I must not fixate on my performance and seek to "better myself" simply for the sake of "bettering myself". That is too small a goal to have. Changing bad habits must arise out of something deeper than that. It must come from a heart of love and service to others and a reliance on God who controls the outcome of all things. It must stem from a desire to bring glory to the God who made me and redeemed me - by loving and serving the family he has so graciously blessed me with, by working diligently at the daily tasks he has set before me, and by pursuing the creative gifts he has given me to enjoy; all with joy and thanksgiving in my heart!
"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
Psalm 16:11
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This post was begun at the end of last year (I had to edit the beginning paragraph to say it had been five years since I'd last written on this blog rather than four! Goodness, how time does indeed fly!). Some of the issues mentioned (such as watching endless videos on youtube) are therefore not at the same point they were when I first started writing this post. God has been very kind to me in getting me to the point of exhaustion with youtube that I actually now spend far less time watching videos than I did a year ago. The principle remains the same though...I still waste far too much time in front of a screen, am prone to laziness, and struggle often to engage my mind and think deeply about things. Still I am hopeful and excited. Growth happens slowly, but God is always at work. And revisiting this post I can see small steps that have been taken, almost imperceptibly, that are very encouraging. One of those being the fact that picking up a book does not seem the daunting task it did when I began this post. I have been reading again at a more regular rate and that has been so refreshing. Perhaps if I write another post I can give an update on what books I have been enjoying lately. There have been some really good ones!
Anyway, that's all for this post. Tally ho and good night!
