A Question of Motives

Do you ever second guess yourself and worry that you may be doing things for the wrong reasons?  Do you ever delve into the inner workings of your brain and screw yourself up digging endlessly down into that dizzying circle of self-doubt?  Do you question why exactly you did that kind thing for that person?  Or why you feel so happy and good about yourself after giving up something you want?  Or why indeed you feel the need to live a good life and do what your conscience says is right?  Is it because you truly and whole-heartedly wish to serve God and glorify Him above all else?  Or is there perchance a tiny, barely discernible, selfish ulterior motive beneath those good deeds, which is your true motivation?

I'm an analyzer.  And a worrier.  So yes.  I have worried about my honest motivations on numberless occasions.  And I'm ashamed to say that more often than not my motives probably are wrong. 

First off, read this post by Naomi because she says it really well.  This is one of the things I'm talking about.  The habit of doing good things while secretly, deep down, wishing to be noticed and praised for it.  We do it unconsciously.  We have the best of selfless intentions in mind, but when we're through we realize we're disappointed that we didn't get any affirmation for our noble endeavors. 

That's one example.  But there's another one I've noticed about myself, too.  Those times when there's nobody to see the good deed I'm doing, so there's no way of my doing it out of a desire to be praised for it.  In those times my motives must be unselfish, right?  I must truly be doing it for God and not for myself.  Is it not so? 

And yet that little voice in my head says that there's something still underlying it.  Says that deep down I'm doing it for a reason other than a pure desire to honor my Creator.  Am I, perhaps, only being good for myself?  I fully believe that obeying God is the right thing to do, but am I obeying Him because I love Him or because I want to feel secure in the thought that I am in the right.  That I am a good person.  That I am someone to be proud of.  (Because boy! do I like to be proud of myself.)

I've been reading The Lady's Confession by George MacDonald and this paragraph stood out to me as describing with painful accuracy the feeling I've had about my motives at times. 

"Faber's main weak point was, that though he was indeed tender hearted and did kindnesses not to be seen of men, he did them to be seen of himself.  The boy was in the man, doing his deeds and seeking the praise of his own conscience.  Though perhaps this was not a grievous wrong, it was poor and childish and obstructed his higher development.  He liked to think himself a benefactor.  Such a  man may well be of noble nature, but he is a mere dabbler in nobility, for a certain degree of pride is always inherent in such a view of oneself." 

[The Lady's Confession by George MacDonald]

 

This shook me rather.  Because I know it's true.  I'm prideful.  I like to watch myself do nice things for people.  I like to think that people are grateful to me for those things, and that they love and appreciate me for them.  Indeed I think about myself far and away too much.

 

And realizing this I naturally fall into a bout of worry and discouragement.  Because I want to have pure motives.   And yet lofty thoughts of myself always seem to creep in.  And so I fret over this wickedness inside me; grasping for some way to rid myself of it; and yet finding that in this matter I am utterly and completely helpless.

When you discover a sin in yourself, do you ever fall into the thinking that now that you've discovered it you can't move on until you've overcome it?  I do.  Knowing it's there means it is my duty to get rid of it.  Henceforth, immediately. 

 

But I can't. 

 

And that's where the hopeless feelings of unworthiness start to set in and drag me down until I feel that there's no way in the world I can ever measure up to God's standard, and be the person He wants me to be.  And guess what?  That's true.  I can't!  I can't do any of that.  It's God alone who can do it in me, and when I come to realize that, well...it lifts the weight a bit.  And I cling to Him, and cry,

 

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;  Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way."  Psalm 139:23-24

 

 

God is the one who searches me.  He is the one who knows me.  He's aware of the deepest, darkest places in my broken and sinful heart.  Even before the foundation of the world He knew.  And still He called me.  Called me His own.  Reached out His hand, took me up, and said,

 

"You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you.  This I command you, that you love one another."
John 15:16-17

 

We cry out to God, hoping and pleading that He will see our contrite hearts and have pity on us. But do we not realize?  He's already done that!  We didn't choose Him.  He chose us!  What a marvelous, humbling truth that is. 

 

 

"Our Father which art in heaven, we Thy children are often troubled in mind, hearing within us at once the affirmation of faith and the accusations of conscience.  We are sure that there is in us nothing that could attract the love of One as holy and as just as Thou art.  Yet Thou hast declared Thine unchanging love for us in Christ Jesus.  If nothing in us can win Thy love, nothing in the universe can prevent Thee from loving us.  Thy love is uncaused and undeserved.  Thou art Thyself the reason for the love wherewith we are loved.  Help us to believe the intensity, the eternity of the love that has found us.  Then love will cast out fear; and our troubled hearts will be at peace, trusting not in what we are but in what Thou hast declared Thyself to be.  Amen."

 

[The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer]

 

 

It is God Himself who will work the change in us that we so desperately need.  God Himself that will purge all darkness from our hearts and make us pure.  We can trust Him for that.  We can throw aside all of our worries and fears and trust Him completely to mold us and shape us into the people He wants us to be.  It's not too big a job for Him.  Not in the slightest.

 

 

And Jesus said to His disciples, "Truly I say to you, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.  Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."  When the disciples heard this, they were very astonished and said, "Then who can be saved?"  And looking at them Jesus said to them, "With people this is impossible,

but with God all things are possible."
Matthew 19:23-26

A few random thoughts on "It's a Wonderful Life" // And a Happy New Year to you!

My family watches It's a Wonderful Life every year around Christmas.  I've seen it so many times now you'd think there wouldn't be anything new to discover; however, that is not the case.  There were several things which stood out to me this time around, which I'd never really noticed before.  Or perhaps I had noticed them, but just happened to appreciate them in a different way this time.

One thing I find so cool about this movie is the emphasis that's placed on the value of life.  Of people as individuals.  Just plain, ordinary, every day people.  The way they relate to one another and care for one another.  And how each person makes such a huge difference in the lives of those around them.

Right.  So now I shall proceed to toss some of my random thoughts at you.  I give no guarantee that this post will  have any sort of rhyme or reason to it, so be prepared for mindless rambling. 

First off, this scene.  Ohhh.  I love this scene!  It's hilarious and at the same time so jam-packed with emotion.  Here's George, grumpy as all get out, and Mary just bursting with suppressed hopes that here at last might be the moment when her childhood dream is realized.  (She's loved George since she was a kid, you see, and now he's come to call on her, and boy! she's not letting the opportunity slip by her.) 

What really stood out to me this time is how very much Mary loves George.  I mean, it's pretty obvious, and I knew that before, but for some reason it really hit me this time.  She's doing everything she can to get his attention in this scene and he rebuffs her every single time.  ("Some joke, huh?")  But when she finally loses her cool and tells him to leave, and he storms out of the house, she doesn't go and break that record because she's mad at George, she breaks it because she's so disappointed that things aren't working between them.  She still loves him.

And a few minutes later,  when she's talking on the phone to Sam Wainwright, and George comes stumping back in looking for his hat, she immediately perks up and makes one last desperate attempt to attract his attention by acting all excited to be talking to Sam.  And it works, people.  They're engaged by the end of the scene. Really, I just love how Mary is so in love with George...even when he's grumpy...and rude.  Everyone of us ought to have someone who loves us like that.  Someone who will love us despite all our quirks.  And just go on loving us, no matter what.

This movie has so many good examples of people who care about others more than themselves.  This comes across pretty strongly in the scene where George unleashes all his pent-up frustrations onto his family; when he yells at the kids, and begins smashing things in the house.  It's absolute mayhem, and the family is shocked and hurt to see him acting this way.  But then, when he finally walks out the door what do they do?  What does his wife do? 

Does she go and cry angry tears in a corner that her husband could be so unkind and unreasonable?  Does she stand on the moral high ground and nurse feelings of ill-usage?  No.  She goes immediately to the telephone in order to find out what kind of trouble her husband is in.  And the kids?  Are they sitting in pitiful little bundles, feeling sorry for themselves?  No.  Their first thought is for their father, and him alone.  "Is Daddy in trouble?"  "Yes," replies the mother.  "Should I pray for him?"  "Yes, pray very hard." 

They're concerned for him, not themselves.  And that's where, in my opinion, this movie takes a step way beyond your average Hollywood movie, because more often than not in a typical movie this sort of situation would be the fuel for igniting that huffy, "poor me" attitude in the offended party.  But in this movie everything else is forgotten in that one deep-rooted desire to make sure "Daddy is okay."

Another thought about this scene (and unfortunately the picture is really blurry, so sorry about that, but it's the best I could find).  The object in the foreground is the object that George kicks over in his fury.  I'd never really noticed it before.  But look at it, people.  It's a model bridge.  This is clearly the section of the house where George is able to create, on a small scale, those bridges and skyscrapers he never got to create in real life.  Those dreams he had of building and traveling and creating.  He'd missed all of it.  And now at this low point in his life the bitterness of what he's missed out on is coming to the surface again and he can't help but take his frustrations out on those objects which bring the remembrance of it so glaringly before him. 

I'd never realized all that was going on in this scene before.  And watching it this time my heart just broke for George.  He's such a caring, unselfish individual.  Time after time he's given up what he's wanted in order to fill the needs of someone else.  And now life has thrown another bombshell at him, through no fault of his own.   And it's just not fair, right?

It's true that living for others is not easy.  And yet, as George learns by the end of the film, such a life reaps a reward far beyond anything we could ever imagine.

Going off of the above paragraph, I just want to say something more about dreams.  Because in this day and age I feel like we're infatuated with dreams.  "Pursue your dreams."  "You can be anything you want to be."  You've heard it before, right?  But what if your dreams don't come true?  What if, despite all your efforts, you never accomplish those things you've set your heart on?  What if in the end your life is nothing but a simple average life, with nothing much to speak of?  Has it all been in vain?  Are you a failure? 

By no means!

George may have been a failure in regards to worldly success, but in regards to what really matters he was enormously successful.   

After all, our goal in life should never be about pursuing our dreams, our plans...but about pursuing the dreams and plans of our Creator.  To do what He has called us to do.  That's not to say, of course, that we shouldn't have dreams, because God Himself gives us dreams and He wants us to pursue them.   But first and foremost our focus must be on Him, and then everything else will fall into place. 

And don't ever measure yourself by the world's standard of success, because the world doesn't have anything on God's measuring stick.  The world wants big impressive, note-worthy stories.  But more often than not it's the little things in life that bring about the true success.  The caring smile given to a stranger on the street; the hug of encouragement to a friend; the money you barely have enough of, but still manage to be able to share with someone in need.  Your life may not be anything spectacular in the eyes of most people, but if God's blessing is upon it you can be sure it will be wonderful. 

There's a new year just around the corner.  Why not live it with a focus on others rather than ourselves?  Let's forget about our dreams for a moment, and look around at all the people surrounding us.  Let's see the beauty in each one of their faces; the way they smile, the way they laugh.  Let's note the worth of that stranger sitting across the room from us, or that friend/family member who knows exactly how to get on our nerves every single time.  And let's remember that, no matter who they are, God loves each one of them with a deep, unfathomable love. 

Let's be like Him.  Let's love them, too.

Happy New Year!