Living in a World where "Love Comes Softly" ~What to Expect (and a Bit of Friendly Advice)~

 

To the Ladies:

1. First off, you will have romance.  Plenty of it.  Love doesn't merely come softly in this series, it comes frequently.  So don't worry about the possibility of being a lonely, unhappy woman all your days, because it's just not going to happen.

2. When your first husband dies, don't get discouraged, there's another one just around the corner.  (Seriously.  There is.  Every single time.)

3.  If a man--a  total stranger, mind you, who you only met like two minutes ago--makes you an offer of marriage for the convenience of you both, don't hesitate.   Say yes.  You may think marrying without love is a hard and depressing prospect, but nothing could be further from the truth.  It is a proven fact that marriages of convenience are your safest bet for a successful and happy matrimonial state.  (I'm not kidding!  All the books say so.  Ask any book you like.)  

4. You're faced with two suitors.  One is rich and says many sweet and flattering things to you, the other is a mysterious nobody who thinks he knows how to plow a field better than you do.  (Imagine that!)  And now, it seems, you're having trouble deciding between them. 

Honestly!  Where's the dilemma?  If you have any sense of romance in you at all you should know by now that the mysterious stranger always wins out over the flattering rich man.  That's so obvious.  (And besides, the mystery man just happens to be  your childhood enemy--go figure--AND...he's still carrying around the hair ribbons he took from you during your school years, so really!  How could there be any room for doubt?  If that's not love, tell me...what is?)

5.  Expect to have a complete makeover at some point during your married life.  And I mean a COMPLETE makeover.  In fact, there may be very little resemblance to your former self at all, but that's okay.  That's the way the world goes.

Get the picture?

6.  As a child you may be able to make fried chicken, but don't worry you'll get straightened out as you get older.   By the time you're married you'll have forgotten all about that, and will have mastered the art of burning your biscuits black and generally making food which is unfit to eat--just as every proper heroine should.

 

7.   You're a brunette, that is true.  And that isn't the style, certainly, for all your female predecessors have been blondes.  But calm down.  It's okay.  Remember the makeover.  By hook or by crook (or by wig, or by dye, or by...SOMETHING), you will be a blonde by the end of the series.

 



Yeah.  That's more like it!



 

8.  The story is drawing to a close.  You're in love with the nicest young man you've ever met, but your lives are taking two different directions.  The situation seems hopeless.  Time is running out, and soon you'll be separated from him forever--never having been able to tell him how much you truly care. 

     STOP stressing out.  Please.  You're driving me nuts.  Just calm yourself and wait for the final scene.  That's when your man will suddenly realize he can't live without you and come dashing by on his horse to bring you back.  I'm telling you, these men never can afford to lose a triumphant ending, even for your peace of mind.  So relax.  You're going to enjoy that romantic moment when it comes. 

 

To the Gentlemen:  

1.  Don't freak out over the argument you just had with the heroine.  That's your key to success.  Keep it up.  A heroine always falls for the guy who argues with her. 

2.  Um...a bit of friendly advice here.  You might want to think twice before marrying that girl.  You see, she's never been married before and that means you'll be her first husband, and uh, sorry to break it to you but...first husbands die, and that is a fact.   (Take for example, Marty's first husband, Missie's first husband, and Belinda's first husband.  Bing. Bing. Bing.  Dead. Dead. Dead.  I'm telling you, that's a rather disconcerting pattern.)

 

 

3.  Throughout the course of the story, expect to receive a lot of good advice from a man named Clark.  He's a man who always has something vital to say.  Also I suggest that you listen to him and take his advice, because he's obviously very smart.  (After all, he's the only "first husband" to survive a marriage, and that's saying a lot.)

 

4.  Make sure when you get married that you move away from your wife's family.  Not because you don't like them, but because it proves your independence and manhood...or maybe just because it provides that tearfully happy ending which is highly important for drama.

 

5.  The girl you marry will be a feisty, independently-minded woman.  Depend upon it.  That's the only kind there is. 

 

6.  And finally, if you happen to be one of those privileged men who falls in love with a widow, all I have to say is congratulations!  You are now guaranteed to live a long and happy life!  

 

 

The End.